I have been in the "dating" sphere for the last 10-years, and I have not been able to keep a man in my life for more than 3-months at a stretch -- a consistent end post the damned if you do, damned if you don't theory.
Various reasons for this, all bullshit, but reasons nonetheless -- or excuses rather. For example:
-"You are too good to be with a jerk like me." (huh?)
-"I respect you too much to be dating you casually." (did I say I wanted a serious relationship!??)
-"You are the type I would take home to my mum, and right now I just want to get laid." (dude, I don't want to meet your mum!)
-"How can you want to date me knowing it's not going to last? What is the point?" (Urrr...nothing lasts forever, and whatever happened to enjoying the present?)
-"I am scared of commitment." (I don't want to marry you!)
-"It's not you, it's me." (My all time favourite cliche :)
I've had the odd "I'm really still in love with my ex" thing, which is fine and acceptable -- but the boys have not had the balls to tell me that whilst breaking-up. The odd mutual break-up "we like each other but not enough to keep dating" shpeal has been the cleanest cut-out.
However, what might be interesting to note (as I choose to humiliate myself publicly on this blog) is that all these guys went on to have serious relationships after me. I don't know what to think of that, and I rather not. I do wish they would have told me the truth though. I've been half-tempted to ring them all and ask them "what did I not do right?"
Maybe I was too easy. Maybe I should've played those stupid games that everyone plays. Maybe I gave too much too soon. Maybe I didn't give enough. Maybe we shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place. Fuck knows.
Anyway, so I'm currently involved in something. I don't want to tag it, there is no point. (Oh, I also recently learnt that "dating" is different from a "relationship" -- I didn't know that. Yeah, I'm pretty clueless when it comes to men. And I'm sick of trying to figure this whole being with someone concept. It's overrated and it gives me a headache.)
So post my confidence being shattered a million times and my therefore assumed vulnerability, my dating mind frame has evolved into this: I date someone because I'm enjoying myself. The minute it's more painful than fun, you get out.
Coming back to my point: it has been 3-months since I have been with someone now and that momentary realization (that I don't want to dwell on which is why I'm ranting it on this blog) has made me think about my past hook-ups and how pass this duration and within a week it's over.
I know it's not fair to compare your relationships. Each one is completely different, they have nothing to do with each other. But, when the pattern repeats itself on numerous occasions, you can't help but wonder.
It's like the guys had a timer that started beeping come the 3-month mark and were afraid that what they are involved in is nothing but a bomb waiting to explode.
It's not like I'm consciously counting days, but it's hard not to be aware of this possibly apocalyptic phase of my dating life.
I don't know what that says about me. Did I just compare myself to a bomb waiting to explode? I really don't know what that says about me. Sigh.
Anyway, there are a few thoughts that help me deal with stuff like this:
- You can't make anyone do anything they don't want to: if someone doesn't want to be with you there is no convincing him into it.
- It's all about personal growth: whether in or out of an involvement with someone, as long as you've grown in some way (together or apart), it was worth it.
- Nobody dies of a broken heart: you fall, you get up, you dust off, you move on.
- Everything happens for a reason.
Someone once told me that you attract what you are ready for. Maybe subconsciously this is all I have ever been ready for? Or, all I am ready for at the moment?
Is this normal or is there something seriously wrong with me? Do I need to see a psychiatrist?